do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
