You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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