ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
