I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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