Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
