why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
