life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He has the fingertips of a God
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