I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
