Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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