i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
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I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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