What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
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Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
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So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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