she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
