you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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