if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
