he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she peed on how many people?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
