Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
