I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
