Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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