i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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