we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Come see our sink grown plant.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
