I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Small penises have feelings too.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize