ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
