I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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