If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
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The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
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Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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