I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
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Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
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This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing