im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
