he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
