Just fell off a train. Bad.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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