New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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