what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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