I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
