My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
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Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.