Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.