it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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