its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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