Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
