when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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