i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
