Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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