During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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