Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize