I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
