you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I love you.
Bad choice
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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