Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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