he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Randomize
