i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
