I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
