she was so not down for the gang bang
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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