Kiss
Puke
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
