Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
