Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
