I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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