There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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