i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
