i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
